Samite Belcher






What Kind Of Magic Player Are You ?

Scientists at the San Francisco University of Hedonism have just
released the findings of a five year study into the psychological
profiles of Magic The Gathering players and why they play the game and
the colours they play. Here is a copy of their report.

The Magic player is a complex beast , often driven by many different
emotions and passions and often severely traumatised , however , this
study has shown common threads running within the colour schemes of the
game relating to the pysche's of the players , therefore we have divided
the study colour by colour to illustrate this point.

BLUE - The blue player is probably the easiest to spot , they are
usually the ones walking round the tournament venue scoffing at all the
other decks on show and generally nauseating other players. Yes , blue
players are smitten with arrogance and illusions of grandeur (and we
don't mean the card). They see themselves as aristocrats among the
peasants , the cream above the milk , the flies around ... well you get
the picture. By only actually having one threat in their decks , 29 land
and 30 counterspells they think they are superior to everybody else and
have actually built up a psychological immunity to defeat , they never
'lose' , they are always cheated or unlucky. Blue players are also
incredibly boring and have been known to go into a state of suspended
animation during a game , with muscle reflexes taking over to lay land
and counter threats. Never engage a blue player in conversation about
any topic.

Famous Blue Players :
John Major ( It's no coincidence the tory colours are blue)
Jeremy Paxman
Chris Eubank


BLACK - The black player can also be fairly easily spotted at a
tournament as they are the ones in the back corner of the venue sat
alone with a small effigy of their opponent and a needlework kit. Black
players were the hardest to study , during the course of the experiment
many players started to speak in gruff voices , spew pea soup and rotate
their heads 360 degrees. It would be fair to say that black players
seemed very dark and evil and they manifest this through their game ,
they are not so bothered about the win , more so about being as evil and
ruthless to their opponents and by laying as many cards as they can with
artwork resembling Iron Maiden album covers. If you have to talk to a
black player then always stay at least 6 inches away from them as this
is the average length of a pocket knife blade.

Famous Black Players :
Marilyn Manson
'Nasty Nick' from big brother
Thora Hird

RED - One word can be used to describe the red player - Chaotic. They
are out to destroy and burn anything they can get hold of , in fact we
are struggling to describe them now as the notes we made on red players
were all destroyed in an arson attack at the university. During study
red players seemed very agitated and also very unpredictable , almost as
though they didn't know what they were doing , the only exception to
this rule being the way in which they wanted to burn everything. Studies
also showed a large proportion of red players suffered with ginger hair.
If you talk to a red player then never , ever ask them if they have a
light.

Famous Red Players :
Tony Blair (See above section about not knowing what they are doing)
Chris Evans
Every male below the age of 15 (why are kids obsessed with fires ?!?!?)


GREEN - The green player can be spotted at a tournament as they are
always sporting dreadlocks and a 'Save The Whale' T-Shirt. They have
actually been known to bring small animals to venues with them as
mascots , squirrels being a particular favourite. Green players smell of
dirt and manure and always have dirty fingernails , so it is probably
best not to trade any cards with them. They are also not the most
intelligent of players despite being able to count quite high , well
they have to know how to add up 3 Giant Growths , 2 Wild Mights , an
Invigorate and a Seal of Strength somehow. They appeared to show an
affinity with black players in that they both like to wear leather items
however for the green players this meant pointy , elfy shoes , jerkins
and satchels not the full studded face masks and whips that the black
players preffered.

Famous Green Players :
David Bellamy
Greengrass from Heartbeat
All members of the band ' The Levellers'


WHITE - White players were a different breed to the other players , they
showed high morals , impeccable manners and were quite frankly not
suited to magic at all. However , they all believed they were on divine
missions to rid the earth of all the other coloured players and leave
only the righteous white players to inherit the earth. Unfortunately all
of them were too kind and lost all their games due to letting their
opponents take back play and for forgiving them for cheating , if they
said they would repent. They were also scared too easily by the art on
some of the black cards and had to forfeit games for a lie down to
recover. Never , never ask a white player if they have any Lord Of The
Pit for trade.

Famous White Players :
Sir Cliff Richard
Britney Spears
Mary Whitehouse


Finally , we also identified a couple of other types of players during
our studies :

COMBO - These players were a very disturbed bunch who were very hard to
communicate with , prefering to speak in binary code rather than
English. They had superb minds able to calculate enourmous mathematical
equations to work out the odds for drawing the cards they need for their
combo but would unfortunately forget to calculate the sum total of 3
Giant Growths , 2 Wild Mights , an invigorate and a seal of strength and
end up losing.

Famous Combo Players :
Carol Vorderman
Stephen Hawkings

FOILS - We saw a few players with all foil decks. These bizarre folk
were easy to spot as they were all dressed in Armani Suits , Gucci shoes
and Prada deck boxes. Always lost as they had a load of crap cards with
no synergy but at least they were all foil. Also identifiable by BMW's
and Mercedes in the car park.

Famous Foil Players :
Richard Branson
Elton John (Until they make Pink Mana)

This concludes our study , please look out for our further studies on
the eating habits of Magic Players (McDonalds vs Burger King)

The above article is an attempt at humour and in no way is meant to
reflect real life , I hope everyone can see it as a joke and have a
laugh , any comments mail :

Patrick Oreilly.

patrickoreilly@bigwig.net